Beyond "Is He Sleeping Through the Night Yet?"

​People seem to be pretty concerned with how much sleep I’m getting.
I get it, that’s the deal with parents of a baby – once they sleep through the night again, it’s like they’re real life people again rather than zapped out zombies sleepwalking through their lives.
But next time you meet up with someone who just recently had a baby, here are some additional questions you can ask:

• Has your baby puked directly into your mouth yet?
• Has your baby literally EVER taken a bath without peeing into his fresh bathwater?
• Does your baby throw you shade every single time you kiss your partner, like you’re about to make a new sibling who will steal all of his thunder?
• Has your baby ever taken you on a 24 hour journey of the same turd trying to make its way out?
• Despite your best efforts to clip his nails, is your baby still basically Edward Scissorhands?
• Have you yet fished a booger out of your baby’s nose so impossibly large that you text a picture of it to your partner?  And maybe your mom?
• Have you killed at least two hours of your evening just blowing raspberries on your baby’s belly?
• Have you made up an incredibly dorky nickname for your baby?
• On your drive home from work, do you tell your baby about how you’re going to give him lots of big kisses and hugs when you get home, even though your baby is not in the car to hear you?
• Have you taken your baby to Las Vegas yet?
• Have you gotten kicked out of bars because you have a baby with you?  (“This is a BAR.”)
• Has your husband yet given your baby whiskey so that he can make the predicted determination that your baby really seems to like whiskey?
• Have you realized that, despite having multiple babies already, you’ve completely forgotten everything about the timeline of what babies do and when they do it?  Have you Googled when baby is supposed to start eating, walking, saying your name, applying for college?

By the way, No.  No, he’s not sleeping through the night, but it’s cool.  I can feed him and read at the same time.  Win win!

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